About Me

I am an indie writer. This is not a blog, it's a berth for my scrawling. Read my works and you'll probably think that they are either just plain junk or maybe knacks of a decidedly Bohemian attitude.

Friday, April 1, 2016

What these few months and the eventual arrival of my baby made me see

Looking back at the 39 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy, it felt like I was in a very long dream. My friend was right, you do feel stupid(er) when you are expecting and when the baby pops out, some of the stupidity still remains that makes you think if you have passed on your wits to your baby but at least the state of dreaminess is gone.

I could not imagine how I have sustained 9 weeks of non-stop vomiting that rendered me being on the drip for dehydration in my first trimester and eating so much like I have a hole in my stomach in the second trimester and finally, having aches and pains everywhere and couldn't wait to have my baby out as soon as possible in the third trimester.

Now that I see my baby everyday, I feel that was all of the above a dream? Did I really endured 8 times of vomiting a day when I first conceived? And that terrible carpal tunnel syndrome that is still there in my wrist... has it not been there all the time since I am now using my other hand so often that I might seem like a left-hander.

I was also scared of labour. I had wanted the 'easy' way out and wanted to opt for a c-sect, but the hospital I was with does not support that unless there are complications in the delivery which I had. At my last visit to the gynae, he realised that my water level was low and when he mentioned the baby's heartbeat was too fast, I was crying my eyes out in the CTG room. And then I was scheduled for an induce the next day and induced I was but my baby still was not ready to come out. After about 30 hours of being wheeled from the delivery room to my ward and back to the delivery room when my water broke and poor hubby had to stick to me like glue to give me support, not to mention holding my head to his when I had to inject the epidural and also waiting for so long for the doctor to finally cut me up, my baby is finally here.

We were all delighted at his weight (a healthy 3.005kg) with chubby cheeks and a beautiful face. He has my eyes just like how we wished for, in fact, he looks exactly like me much to my husband's amusement because now, he has two of that face to love.

I am so thankful that from the moment he is born, he is receiving love from so many people, from our family to my friends... one of them even bought him a Goku San bib! My in-laws came to visit often and nope, they did not shun me and just pay attention to the baby; they give me all the attention and care about my health especially after they knew I had to undergo an emergency c-sect. My parents were all realistically supportive in such that they have already bought the baby a cot and a stroller way before he was born and now even got him gold chains and a big party to welcome him officially to our lives.

And what about the star? My son is an absolute heart throb. He steals my heart away again and again every time I lay my eyes on him. When he is in the room with the confinement auntie so I can get more rest in mine, I am already missing him like crazy. The best part is when my husband hugs us both... this physical act of bond... is this what they call family love?

My son has a habit of putting his right hand up to his ears as though he is posing or looking bored. My dad said he looks like he is saluting which brought a beam to my husband's face thinking that this might be a our son's way of telling us (at a few weeks old) that he is really to join the arm forces when he grows up. It amazes me then that I recalled all those ultra-scans that our gynae has taken of him always shows his right hand up as well. It is like he is already forming his own unique habits before he was born!

At only less than 4 weeks old, we already know he has many likes and dislikes. For instance, he squirms and closes his eyes so tight whenever we bring him to the window to get some sunshine, he also gets nightmares when he hears a loud sound (a building is being erected beside our residence now) and he doesn't like to be put down after a bath.

He seems to like music from the baby mobile and once when I made a mistake of paying a children's song video on youtube and showing him the video from my handphone and then taking it away as soon as I realised my mistake, he turns his head to where I hid the phone to continue to listen to the music played. He also like baths and loves to kick about a lot in the tub and after every bath, he wants to be cuddled and talked to like a king.

Ah, how I love my boy...

But with so many happy times come times when I get paranoid and start to worry about many things too. I worry about him crashing his face on the mattress when the confinement auntie puts him on his tummy to sleep. I worry about leaving him alone with her when I had to leave the house to run some errands. I worry about his jaundice level which went up again last week and I couldn't stand the thought of the doctor pricking his heel to draw blood for his test. I told my husband that I was afraid I might faint of a heartache. I guess what I am experiencing now is the beginning of all parental paranoia.

And with this worry about him getting hurt, I am also worried about how he will see me as his mother. I cannot deny that there are so many instances that I was disappointed in my own mother and before I became one myself, I swore that I will never be like her. Today, I am more determined not to. I want my son to be proud of me just like how I am proud of him.

Most importantly, I want to enjoy every moment with him and him with me.

Mummy love you, Scottie XOXO

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

A letter to my son

Dear Scott,

Instead of watching you from the ultra scan and feeling you wriggle as well as that occasional jab in my sides, your Daddy and I are finally about to see you in less than a month's time. Where has all this time gone? Ah, yes. I remember... it is to protect you as much as we can from a force that can both be strong and take someone down and weak at the same time and just be a pinch on the skin.


I am sorry to have to introduce this word to you so early in your life. I would love for you to experience all the good that this world has to bring than to expose you to the bad first. But I figured with your strong nature (from the way you keep so still as though you are ready to pounce when I was yelling in desperation and despair and the way you literally punch your way across my tummy when your Daddy and I were watch Rocky III), you are made out to be a fighter for your life with us.

Throughout these 9 months or so, Mommy has gone through an immense amount of hurt, maltreatment, bullying and suffering. No, not caused by you but by the word I have introduced to you above. No matter how hard I try to shield myself and you from it, it keeps coming back; sometimes disguised as a very caring relative and other times as a malice that never seem to stop haunting you.

It was then that I realised despite all the good in this world, the bad never cease to stop working its rancor on everyone. So both your Daddy and I have decided to cut off all these ties that link us to that bad word and everything that connects to it.

I want to educate and protect you from it from as soon as you heave your first cry so that the fighter in you would not experience so colossal a blow when it finally hits you. But at the same time, trust me when I say your Daddy and I will do all we can even if it means to cost us our lives to shield you from it. Our love for you knows no bounds and it manifests itself as protection and education.

But take heart too, my precious that there are so many other beautiful things in this world that can add on to that innocent and bountiful life that you are about to have. I can't wait for you to experience the joy in having your own puppy, your first best friend, score your first soccer goal or shoot your first basket. And your first A in a spelling test, your discovery on your talents in music or swimming or even rock climbing, the first cookie you bake that no doubt will be taught by your Daddy who loves baking for Mommy. Also your first song-and-dance performance from preschool, the first Mother's day card you'll make for me and so on. I can't wait to see all these from you!

I hope you take from your Daddy, his great sense of protectiveness for all that he loves, his talent for sports especially volleyball as well as his ability to show kindness to everyone even those who hurt him. And from me, I hope you inherit my love for reading, the arts and language, my belief that filial piety is the greatest virtue of all and my sensitivity for injustice.

I also hope you look like me (your Daddy especially requested that you have my eyes) because I feel that you will look fantastic with my face, and my flawless skin and broad shoulders. Take also, your Daddy's height, his wonderful build and body and his head of thick hair.

Most importantly, I hope you are healthy, happy and whole. And eager to join us just as we are so eager to have you too. See you in less than a month!

Friday, January 1, 2016

Tossed no more

I have stopped writing for some time because Junior in tummy has been sucking up all my creative juices and the writing muse has decided to ditch my retarded brain for a less one. I simply cannot sit in front of a mac to do any writing at all. I finally understood why some of my friends who became mothers told me that they couldn't even count for pete's sake; I mean, I was pretty sure I counted 25 paper plates for a workshop only to discover it was 19 instead.

What made me decided to pen down some of my thoughts today was reading so many people write about how their 2015 had been and I guess I want to do a good sum up of how my year was and how I think 2016 would be.

To me, the new year doesn't start until the Chinese New Year arrives because if we talk about luck, the trigger to a new lucky or unlucky year only takes place at the turn of the Lunar New Year; I am after all, a Chinese.

No matter; the Lunar or the English, I think a new year spells a new kick off and I am eager to have my new year(s) start on a good note.

Last year I wrote, Tossed from one end of wonderful feelings to the other of fuzzy pleasure. I was looking forward to so many things at the beginning of 2015 -  a new start up and hungry for success at the career front, my wedding with the love of my life and being incorporated into a new family. I was so sure that 2015 would be the greatest moment of my life that I have looked so much into the good and did not anticipate the bad.

Many, and I mean many unpleasant things has happened to me in 2015 that if without the good things that took place as well, I would have deemed 2015 the worst year of my life.

Sure, I had the wedding that I'd (almost) wanted with a garden theme but half way, the sound system decided to break down, some guests did not turn up and I was so tired in the day that I did not enjoy my wedding day as much as I had wanted to.

When I was into my puking stretch of Junior's incubating, I had to hear the terrible... no it should be horrendous news of my husband being framed and maligned. And throughout that time, a close family member has chosen this time to be a nasty grouse and make my life miserable. And why? Because she is more selfish than selfless, more awful than kind and more resentful than appreciative.

For years, she has tormented and belittled me, made me understand the concept of boys being better than girls and had emotionally threatened me for countless times. It has caused me much grief, hurt and agony. But until recently, I had tried to live in peace with her and even exercise the filial piety not out of sympathy for her but out of my own accord to make peace. Alas, the bullying continues.

Now, the husband has done one thing that made me want to do the same- he has decide to cut all ties with the negative people in his life and I too want to do the same and am damn sure will be doing it in time to come; in fact, I am already embarking on this venture.

I guess 2015 has been a time of many unhappy things but it all made me stronger and more sure of my direction in life. On the career front, I was sure I only wanted limited expansion of marketing but now with the Husband lending me his talents and intelligence, I am made more aware of what my company can do for others and there are so many more things that I can do for both our careers.

Despite being framed and maligned, what happened to my husband has made my marriage grown stronger albeit it being weird we are only 10 months married. But we both can feel that our walls of security and selfishness have collapsed. We stood the test of both time and avarice, hand in hand, hearts as one. Sure, we have always been in love since we started this relationship, but we were never as united as now. Now, we laugh at those people who want to bring him down, applying useless punishments on his ego and words of arrows fall harmless to the ground. We have become so solid and concerted that we are only focused on the positive.

In the new year, we are ready to welcome Junior officially into the family and are prepared for his education and to shield him from negativity by leaving the negative now. Tossed from one end of happy times to another of sudden nastiness would seem more like how 2015 had been. There was fuzzy pleasure alright but more like light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I have come to realise that how people treat us is their karma and how we react is our own. Although we can always turn the other cheek, the environment that we are in always shapes us no matter what we tell our minds to think. The best way to avoid such antagonism is to remove ourselves entirely.

I am prepared that life is a balance of both good and evil. It is okay to crave for happiness, we are after all, merely humans but in the course of it, we should take in all adversity as it comes and when the need arises, think of our health first, both mental and physical. Just like how I had to remove myself from my ex-company with a terribly horrible boss, which made me so much happier now, I will always remove myself from any other situation the exact same way.

This new year, I am prepared to be tossed no more. I will walk the way I want to and how I want to.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

How I feel about the Singapore government (part 3)

I think that half way through the campaigning, our Prime Minister must have gotten some divinity or his father must have walked into this dream and gave him some awakening that politics, no matter how low and dirty, should not be one where a dog (the PAP) just bark and bite and not do his guarding job. I was almost sick to my bones reading about the to and fro inter-blaming of the AHPETC issue! I want to hear some other kind of politics, how to make our lives better, no more hearing that irritating China accent or Pinoy accent everywhere I go.

So when there was some inside news on our Prime Minister holding a press conference to give some bombshell, imagine it being something like no more shit about AHPETC or integrity nonsense, let us now talk about campaigning, of course in a more civil way than this but it was so much of a relief.

But this article is not about our Prime Minister or the PAP finally stop being childish; it is about how our government is actually one freaking big family.

If there is someone I really hate, it has to be my ex boss. One good for nothing rich 2nd generation dirtbag who knows no dung about doing business but being one of the lucky bastards in society to make it in life with his Dad's money. I am sad to say that our new generation of PAP leaders are exactly like him.

I got this print screen from a family member and I just wanted to puke my breakfast out. Not surprising that Chan Chun Sing is part of the Prime Minister's family, I mean he has to be or Chan Chun Sing would not be hailed as the next Prime Minister. But useless and pea-brain Lawrence Wong is actually the son of another useless pea-brain Wong Kan Seng? OMG.

Not only did Lawrence not explain any hoots about part of the recent AGO report which showed how flawed his ministry of culture, community and youth misused funds, he also is the most degrading person ever to step into parliament. I cannot forget his smirk when Low Thia Kiang explained how no one wants to work for the Workers' Party's Town Council nor can I forget how instead of debating on issues, he and Sim Ann (another good for nothing Member of Parliament) brought low blows and insulted the opposition party's Chee Soon Juan.

And do you want to know that video of Wong Kan Seng weeping like mad during one of LKY's exhibition at Bishan and Wong Kan Seng saying he is the son of a hawker and it is thanks to LKY that he has a chance to serve and be where he is. Please lah! You were given a chance not because you were lucky or capable! You were given a chance because you married his sister! Proof below.

Remember when the Korean cruise ship capsized and killed so many Korean students? Korea's president apologised and resigned even though one freak accident like that has nothing to do with the leader of a country but low and behold, our dear Wong Kan Seng was still the Home Affairs Minister when Mas Salamat escaped from prison. And all he could say were dumb things like the escapee could either still be in Singapore or not in Singapore.

The Singapore General Election is one of the best times our country can be in. Not only can we see stupidity being displayed in our government, in particular, the PAP, we can also see how they only know how to point fingers and not look in the mirror first.

Take some of these ministers and what immature things they say:

1. Vivian Balakrishnan - "...only the wealthy or corrupt work for free..."

2. And then the Prime Minister says - "... going to parliament is not a path to riches, it's about sacrifice for the people." So this means that Vivian Balakrishnan's line above is nonsense? Or is our PM the one talking nonsense?

3. Lawrence Wong - "You heard attractive plans from the Opposition, they don't show you fine print." Well, then did you show us what happened to those bad debts in your ministry?

4. Prime Minister Lee - "We consult widely, housing, CPF Life, we connect directly with the people." Oh yah? Bullshit! We don't want no minimum amount sum in our CPF, why the hell would we need that for?

5. Tan Chuan Jin (another useless minister in my opinion) commended about how when the opposition met up to discuss which GRC and SMC they are going to contest so as to avoid a 3-corner fight makes as though the residents are being traded (or something along this line) What? I have no idea how you link a discussion to the residents being traded. No Link At All!

6. Tin Pei Ling - "PAP is not perfect but we have sincerely and strength. We can do better" Yap, take our money for your salary and sponsor your Executive Masters degree right?

7. Yaacob - "We are not upgrading for the sake of it, but to improve quality of life." So then why are the wards under the opposition not applicable for housing upgrading? They do not deserve a better quality of life?

8. Prime Minister Lee - "On Cooling-Off Day, think about candidates' character, can you trust them? If we don't trust the opposition candidates, can we trust the PAP candidates? Like this stupid Chee Hong Tat candidate who said that it is stupid to advocate speaking dialects but actually spoke dialect himself during his introduction? Can we trust someone like that? 

9. Amy Khor - "To maintain trust, the government must prove itself with HIGHEST standard of integrity. Here's a picture dedicated to you and your fellow PAP colleague:

10. And finally to that nothing-good-ever-comes-outta-his-mouth Defence Minister Ng Eng Hen who said that we don't solve problems by shouting or jeering... well, do you even know why you were being jeered at in the first place? You are the bloody problem here! Stuck your nose in by-elections that are not even in your ward and kept criticising and putting people down... geez!

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

How I feel about the Singapore government (part 2)

So the rallies have started, I see once more, banners being put up on almost every lamp post and of course, PAP's ones must be on top. I see for once clearly, the face of my MP who never turned up at my area at all, whose name I cannot remember and whose face is unfortunately, an easily forgotten one.

My mum and husband had the opportunity to meet him during couple of his walk abouts recently. I lament on not being able to meet him personally for I have many questions to ask him and one in particular is his Bt Batok ward zone 10 grassroots members.

I live in Bt Batok West Avenue 6 and there is a grassroots centre just 2 blocks away. Not only is that a place for the incumbent's volunteers (lapdogs) to come and go as they please, torment residents by being so ridiculously rude all the time, they also take the chance to make a karaoke room out of one of the classrooms that was supposed to be a tuition room for kids during the weekends.

We would have thought that such a recreation room was for everyone to use, but when I wanted to go in to take a look, I was appalled that I had to pay $5 first before anything. And needless to say, the person who asked me to pay spoke to me like I had broken into their house to steal some priceless vase.

Now the main problem about this karaoke room is not about paying $5 or lapdogs there guarding their room like its their kennel... It is about how they are dressed.

My goodness, it looks as though we are outside some dirty karaoke joint in Geylang! The aunties who frequent there are dressed so skimpily that they look like mama-sans. Their skirts can barely cover their butt lines while their tops are of plunging necklines that their arm candies cannot take their eyes off them. I am not sure if the men on their arms are their husbands but if they are, which decent husband would want their wife of over 40 to dress like this?

I wish to ask Mr David Ong, MP for Bt Batok SMC if he is aware of such behaviours from his very own grassroots members? If he does, why is he condoning it? It looks as though we have some mini Geylang right in the middle of the heartlands of Bt Batok! And what can he do for us residents if he is not aware of something happening right underneath his very nose?

I am not FOR opposition because I have no idea who this Indian man from SDP is, I have not met him nor have I seen him in any of his walk abouts here but one thing for sure, I rather go with the Devil that I don't know and give him a chance than to go with the Devil who cannot be good enough to be an MP for the estate that I am living in and allowing his grassroots members to yell at people when all we wanted was to queue up to collect our SG50 fun packs.

I hope you have a chance to read this, Mr Ong.

Monday, August 17, 2015

How I feel about the Singapore government (part 1)

I have never truly been an apolitical person. In matters of the country, in the office or even at home, I chance upon every opportunity to right all wrongs created by politics of any kind and nature. I hate to be played a fool, being taunted into a corner like some citizens of a third world country and I certainly cannot stand by and see injustice without standing up for it.

As you know, the General Election of Singapore 2015 is around the corner although there is yet to be an announcement of nomination day or election day. Politicians from all parties are now garnering manpower, selecting the cream of the crop to stand for their party in the election for the country. Some are even nitpicking into other parties' short comings in a desperate effort to bring their political rivals down- and the only party immature enough to do that is sadly, our very own, Singapore's People's Action Party.

When I was young, I was taught to always apologise for my own mistakes and no matter how unfair I am being punished as compared to the others for making the same mistakes, I never say things like, "Michael did it too. Why wasn't he punished?" or "Look at Kumar, look! He also do the same what!" From my 34 years of living on earth, I observed that only kids do that and kids mean humans that are below the age of reasoning and maturity.

Unfortunately, Singapore's very own Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister, Teo Chee Hean did just what a kid, under absolute no amount of reasoning and maturity had done. I don't want to elaborate what the childish DPM said but for those who are interested to know, here is the link http://mothership.sg/2015/08/orh-luak-politics-in-60s-how-wp-and-pap-are-frying-their-oyster-omelette

I shudder to think of what another term of service this ridiculous mindset and behaviour of a DPM can do; what if IS decided to attack our country? This DPM would probably just say something childish and stupid on his facebook and ask him if he wants to swallow the entire Singapore. This man, with an unmistaken smirk plastered all over his face when all the different tanks drove pass the grandstand during this year's National Day Parade, waving his small Singapore flag like a child being proud of this Transformers collection... being the main man behind our defence? Argh!

And what of our silly Minister of National Development, Mr Malaysia (oops, he is a Singapore citizen now right?), Mr Khawn Boon Wan? This made-in-malaysia man who introduced his boy-band of Sembawang GRC right inside a VWO? Aren't all VWO's not supposed to be seen indulging or favouring any political party or activity? What the hell is going on? Our very own minister not knowing the laws himself and committing an illegal act himself? My goodness....

And needless to add are the many shortfalls, gaps and mistakes in handling our money by the People's Association- (to know more about this, click on this link http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/auditor-general-s-report/1985518.html )As far as I know all those ridiculous nonsense that this political party is citing about "at least there is no evidence of dishonesty" is shielding itself from fraud!

Oh my god... just continuing to type all these ludicrous behaviour and actions from a first world country just makes me gag more and more. I am getting sick to my stomach that such injustice can even take place in our country! When an ang mo friend told me how a Malay traffic police stopped his fellow ang mo colleague on the road for not wearing a seat belt and not having his child of under 6 in a child seat, and later asked for SGD200 from the ang mo so that he would write his name down and could just let him drive off, I laughed my head off. This sort of thing would never happen in my country. And when a recent case of a Korean woman being caught for trying to buy off a police officer at the customers, I cannot help but smile and say yes! I was so sure that my ang mo friend was lying all that time.

But to see that such a childish, almost corrupted mindset in this group of people leading our country, I really feel that I would rather a lowly police officer asking for some little 200 bucks to buy him off, than to see so many lapses and gaps in our own funds, maintained by this group of foolish men in our government.

No wonder so many people want to move out of this country.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Two-coloured face monsters in people

I have come across many a times but only today did I really come face to face with this monster whose face is half as white as ghost and the other, as black as the devil burned.

When I was young, I read that there are many devil-culprits that creates hindrance in our lives - they manipulate us and make see when we could have not or blind us as and when they like. For instance, a witch has the ability to make us see the person we hate fall into a pit of fire in our minds and therefore, conjure more hatred in us. And there was also a devil who looks like a skeleton who steals our things an hides them from our eyes whenever we need that something, only to find it when we don't.

This two-coloured face monster, I believed who didn't appear in books dwells so deep within us and has never seen the light so much so that writers cannot give him a face. But I gave him two colours because he is made of two traits and boy... is he in everyone.

He lurks in our hearts feeding from our need to always be the victor and then has the the ability to jump into our heads, twisting it with ideas of false virtues when the time or opportunity is right to strike, the masked virtue is then revealed to be full of malice and evil intentions.

People who rears him do not know of his existence and it is people like these whom he gathers his strength from, eating his host from the insides until it shows on their faces, how poisoned and toxic they are.

And what of this false virtue that he so strongly possess that can allow one to think it as a virtue when it is in fact, a vice? It is the ability to believe that you are doing good for someone when all the gains that entails goes only to you.

I met someone like that recently and it irks me to see how the two-coloured face monster wields his wrath and stirs his brain as though it is a huge witch's mixing pot. I see his form in this person's eyes when it should be my reflection in its place, I see him standing on his shoulder and talks into this ear, I see him tugging his fingers to type malice in his text messages and I see him sitting on his shoe and pointing towards the direction of enmity and wickedness.

Let's call this person, Z.

In the office, Z is a pest. He extends help and offers advice when needed, only to buy allegiance and pretence of a kind heart to forge the image of a good candidate for the managerial post.

At home, he boasts of how good a particular brand of refrigerator is and offers to pay for it. Everyone in the family thinks him generous, but later, his siblings found out that it was a gimmick for this refrigerator to only allow his and his wife's food to be kept. Everyone else's is to rot.

In the extended family, he buys expensive Xmas gifts for the rich Aunts and Uncles in a hope to suck up to them and gain more in return such as 'the most filial', 'the most generous', 'the most thoughtful' but alas, is the most churlishly miser to his very own kin for they receive nothing from him.

For party venues and important dates to remember, he is never short of suggestions - the visit to the Thai restaurant or a bike cycling tour sounds fun for a family gathering if not for these places being for them to avariciously gorge on Thai food as though they are Thais themselves while the rest of the family picks at the rice or sits at benches to watch them zoom by like a child prodigy on a bicycle.

While it is not acceptable to do evil like rob an old lady, abuse an animal or kicks away a beggar's bowl, it is far worse to perform respectable acts in a charade to fool people of their real intentions and all benedictions go to them.

There is no beating them or the two-coloured face monster. With every successful stunt, or failure, the two-coloured face monster only grows stronger and stronger as it satisfies its hunger by the cheap thrills childishly created by its host.